I am often asked by parents, “How do I make my kids mind? It seems as if they are always getting in trouble!”
Parenting is tough. Kids test boundaries. Kids develop their own opinions and personalities. It is our job as parents to raise productive members of society who are also kind to their neighbors and leave the world a better place. However, this is HARD! Just Google “parenting books,” and you will see that there are millions of opinions and people offering behavioral advice out there!
Though there are many varying opinions on parenting and behavior, in the last decade or so that I have been working with children, there is pretty much one overriding philosophy (though it varies in style and implementation). Behavior modification, applied behavior analysis, positive discipline – many various names, same basic principles. And, oddly enough, they contain the same basic principle your grandmother taught you, “Kill them with kindness.”
Behavior modification works on spouses, in-laws, children, coworkers, dogs, even killer whales! The basic principle is, “Praise the fire out of the positive; ignore the negative.” Ignoring the negative is super hard, but the more you praise the positive, the more it puts YOU in a good mood. Provide a little positive self-talk/cognitive behavioral therapy for yourself, and it puts you in a much better frame of mind. It works the same with our children.
I had a job once (many, many years ago, in another state) where my boss told me that it was not her job to tell me, “Good job!” True. That was not her requirement as an employer. However, do you think her employees liked her? Nope. Though we always did our very best for our patients, do you think that we really enjoyed coming to work under her supervision? Nope.
On the reverse, when my hubby says, “Thank you!” as I am folding the 6th load of laundry for the day, I have a much better attitude about doing laundry. And I’m much less likely to throw a mom-tantrum and say, “I AM ALL DONE!”
Some things to keep in mind when desiring to change behavior:
“Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.”
I liked this quote from Rita Pierson so much, that I re-copied it in rainbow letters and put it up by my desk at work.
Another fantastic quote I have on my cork board at home is:
“Love Begets Love”
This one was from the slip of paper in a fortune cookie. Not rocket science. But these two sayings together help to remind me each day that I need to first be likable if I want to influence others – both children and adults. Now, I also say that it is NOT my job as a mom to be my child’s friend, but it IS my job to raise my child as a good citizen. That said, if I want to teach my children to be kind and respectful adults, I also need to set a good example and show kindness and respect toward them and others.
Showing kindness and respect is not letting kids always get their way. It is not letting kids have free range. It is not letting kids be rude, unsafe, mean, or disrespectful… However, this is ACTIVE parenting where we focus on the positive, place less attention on the negative, and watch the kindness bounce back to us and others.
I actually took several weeks to write this blog. I did this on purpose. I wanted it to sit, to simmer, to be in the forefront of my mind for several weeks. I wanted to focus on love and respect with my own children, family and coworkers, and see the positive results first hand.
Throughout this last month, in efforts to focus on praising the positive with my own family, friends, children and patients, I’ve found some phrases and tricks that have been helpful:
- Be silly
- Be enthusiastic
- Diffuse tense situations with redirection
- Diffuse tense situations with humor
- Master the compliments:
- Thank you so much for…
- I love the way you…
- It was so kind of you to…
- You were so smart for…
- I really appreciate you…
- Be a cheerleader:
- Great job!
- You are such a big helper!
- You are so strong!
- That really made me happy!
- I am so proud of you!
Again, this is not rocket science. I have few sources cited in the body of this blog. I mean, how do you really cite a fortune cookie paper? Ideas are all around us – in religious teachings (love your neighbor as yourself, turn the other cheek, etc.), colloquialisms (kill them with kindness, you get more flies with honey, etc.), parenting books, etc.
Now, this is where I give some homework to you readers. Go out and spread some kindness, and watch the kindness come back to you!
Resources:
Talking with Kids: Seven Tips for Practicing Positive Discipline. PBS Parents, accessed August, 2016.
Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelson
About Behavioral Analysis. Behavior Analysis Certification Board, accesed August 2016.
What is Behavior Modification? Livestrong.com, May 4, 2015